I’ve been like a hysterical woman fretting over my impending entry into official midlife as if it were something serious like buying a burial plot. It’s not. And the alternative IS a burial plot so I should at least be thankful I made it this far without doing too much damage to those around me and myself. I had heard plenty from friends and relatives on what to do and what not to do but I figured I needed a celebrity advisor much in the same fashion as Sandra Bernhard has Madonna. Who could I get that would actually talk to me? Tom Cruise would steal my money and hook me up to a machine that could jangle my DNA to the point where future generations might have a positive outlook but antennae and an exoskeleton. Tim Robbins would only make me march with Alec Baldwin, Susan Sarandon and Barbra Streisand. I’d be incredibly healthy but I’d hate half of America’s core values. I heard Sharon Osbourne was doing some kind of charm school reality show handing out advice like methadone at the free clinic. But it was a Rock of Love spin-off for ladies only. 

Then I heard GWAR was coming to town. For those not in the know, GWAR is the intergalactic musical equivalent to a wood chipper with a yeast infection. Outlandish costumes, cartoon violence and more blood sprayed than at a hemophiliac hockey tournament. I caught up with Bassist, Beefcake the Mighty and Vocalist, Oderus Urungus after their show at the Palladium this past week. I explained the whole midlife freak out thing in one jumbled sentence that was blurted out in one breath.
Beefcake smiled a sagely smile and calmly stated, “Of course my first suggestion would be to kill yourself. That way this is the end of your life, making back when you were 20 your mid life. I'm sure those were better times, and as you have absolutely nothing to look forward to that will ever be as good as those days, your death will be a welcome relief.
“I’m depressed, not suicidal.” I said.
Nodding Beefcake continued, “ If not suicide, or a herd of filthy whores, what else is there? You could start a secret double life where you kill the homeless by night, but you're the same boring pussy whipped loser by day.”
Looking for a bright spot, I replied, “I kind of was wanting a tattoo.”
Beefcake grabbed me by the collar and said in his best drill sergeant voice,
“The fact is, as a human being with morals and a sense of "right and wrong", you're pretty much doomed to a stagnant existence of being hen pecked and disappointed at every turn. I suppose the only other thing for it would be to tattoo a huge diseased vagina on your forehead, thus assuring that your wife will leave you and you will attract only the most perverted and depraved sexual partners. That will surely open new and exciting doors in your life!”
I smoothed out my shirt as best as I could and looked pleadingly to Oderus Urungus as if mercy was to be found in those shark-dead eyes.
“Take all of your money out of the bank and buy guns. Then rob a bank. Retire to a private island and fuck chicks all day and all night. If you get caught, you'll probably only spend a couple of years in jail, so you can get out and try again! Personally don't understand the phenomena of a "mid-life crisis". Any day above ground is a good one, so quit pissing and moaning and get out there, to a GWAR show if possible!”

Then they physically picked me up, took me to a secret location and did unspeakable things to me. It was great for perspective. I decided to simply get a tattoo.

So on the 14th of December at 2pm, if you want to see a grown man cry at the sight of a needle come join me. I’ll  be at Love and Hate Tattoo in Lewisville getting drawn on by Hank. Problem solved.
Also worth mentioning is the kink party I’ll be photographing Hoody's & Lilith's Freaky Fetish Birthday Bash at Buddies II in Oak lawn this Friday. It benefits Bryan’s House and the Barely Legal Girls will be there as well.
See you there.

Mike Wilshin (www.myspace.com/old_man_mike or oldmanmike@anemagazine.com)
ALL Photos by Mike Wilshin (wilshinphotography.com dba MrW’s Photography)
Illustrations By Grant Sutherland (www.greetingsfromwonderland.com)

Bonus Gwar shots:  

Currently Beyond Hell By GWAR see related