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Bail THIS out. *this week's article from the Metro and the cover shot this week is done by me!* 
So the METRO ANE Christmas party ended up in fisticuffs, with Colleen the Rockslut pummeling the living hell out of OJ Tobias because it didn’t occur to her that I could reach behind and around someone else to pinch her butt. So of course she turns into a raving Irish banshee and starts swinging. I’m sure that there are photos documenting the carnage through out this issue. I feel sort of bad for OJ but I think the Rockslut would have found any reason to take a swing. I felt so bad I followed everyone to the jail in an effort to bail everyone out. Little did I know, it would cost more than I had and was far to steep a price to pay for the guilt of a broken nose suffered by OJ at the hand  of the angry red Rockslut. Nor was the price worth the quick feel I copped that started the whole mess anyway. I eventually left the to their own devices. However, while I was weighing the pros and cons of bailing them out or just flat out leaving them it gave me time to whip out my note pad (& eventually my cell phone) and write (hey have you ever been to Lew Sterritt Detention Center? You better look busy and damn sure not make eye contact) a few thoughts on other bailouts.
The corporate bailouts to the tune of $750 billion are continuing despite everybody’s better judgment. Both sides of the aisle are voicing concerns but it looks like everybody is going to get screwed up and down the chain no matter what happens. The brain trust in Washington is doing the only thing they know how to do with any nebulous problem; they’re throwing money at it with no accountability to the borrowers. It’s just like they do with education funding, farm subsidies and any other number of things that could do with a little help. They irresponsibly give an unrealistic amount of cash to weasels in Armani suits that cry poverty from their leer jets between sips of Dom Perignon and snorts of blow from the cleavage of $3000 prostitutes. And since it’s these are the geniuses who got us it to the major cock up with the money doesn’t it make sense to give them more money? 
Let’s see you go three months late on one of your loans and then try to get more money from your lending establishment. Where’s is the disconnect? The AP surveyed 21 of the banks that received at least a billion or more from the bail out to see what kind of stewardship was being afforded our money that we lent to them. None of the banks would or could give specifics regarding the matter. JP Morgan Chase stated through press releases that the money would be used to fund health care and nonprofit companies. Marshall and Ilsley said it was to temporarily stop foreclosures on homes. Fine and dandy but these sound like band aids being placed on sucking chest wounds and in some cases band aids being placed on the some one in the waiting room. Some banks are providing being just plain jerky. Barry Koling, a spokesman for Atlanta, Ga.-based SunTrust Banks Inc said, “We're not providing dollar-in, dollar-out tracking," And those bastards got $3.5 billion in taxpayer dollars. I figured it was time to take matters into my own hands with a phone call. *After 15 minutes of voice mail hell* “Hello I’d like to speak with some one in charge please.” “I can help you sir.” “I don’t think so. I need to discuss my money and the bail out.” “I’m not sure I follow sir. Did you wish to check your balance or receive a credit card?” “No I’m not a member of your bank but my money is there.” “We can set you up with an account but I’ll have to transfer you.” *The Phone clicks and elevator music drones for a full 3 minutes* “Hello my name is Mary I can help you with account information.” “Mary, you need to get me someone in charge because I’m about to snap.” “Sir I can’t escalate the call with out knowing the problem.” “I want my money back because I’ve decided that I don’t want any part of this bail out.” “Sir, I don’t quite understand.” “I promise to buy something big to help stimulate the economy. There’s this sweet flat screen.” “If you don’t have an account with us how can we have your money?” I calmly explain everything while she pretends to listen. “So will you please transfer me?” “Well we don’t have anyone at that level here.” “Can I have a number where I can reach some one?” “You cannot harass us like this sir.” “Why is it called harassment when I call you and collections when you call me? Do I need to involve a third party so that I can call it collections?” “Sir-“ “Ill even be the good guy here, I’m collecting on behalf of my neighbor Ward. His money is late, misspent and he’s very annoyed. If you people aren’t diligent in taking care of this situation it could result in a lower credit rating thus making it harder to garner loans in the future. Next time you may want to borrow 3 billion instead of 1.5 and you could find yourselves in a dire situation.” “I’m sorry I can’t help you with that.” There’s a soft click and then a dial tone. I rang up two other banks and didn’t get as far as I did with that one. Although one agent did suggest I write my congressman to whom I responded that he didn’t have my money, the banks did. She said she didn’t have time for shenanigans and disconnected post haste. I could have done the right thing and kept after it until I got an answer or even a decent quote but instead I asked myself what any decent Washingtonian would do when faced with a major money problem. So I acquiesced and gave in.
Mike Wilshin (oldmanmike@anemagazine.com www.myspace.com/old_man_Mike Wilshin) Metro ANE cover shot by Mike Wilshin (old_man_mike) Fight Photo By Scott Mankoff
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