The editors of this fine publication tell me that in lieu of my usual sparkling prose, I’m to provide a list of some of the top things of 2008. The mighty Jayson, a person whose love of film, particularly horror rivals my own most likely has that list taken care of. Gil most likely has gadgets; porn and all other things dirty will have those bases covered. The Rockslut will tell you of nightspots and concerts while G/sus will do the gay angle. Two Dogs can give a ‘08 sports round up that will be concise and rational. Then we have OJ from the “Its Hard To Find A Good Donkey show”. God only knows what he’ll be listing. I don’t even know if he’s out of jail yet.
So where does that leave Old Man Mike? Odd man out to be sure but I’ve witnessed some neat things this year and if anything gets double coverage than you can take that as a validation of sorts.
Best Music Release:
Blood Simple-“Red Harvest” Blood Simple rose from the ashes of Vision Of Disorder and their sophomore effort blasts any memory of from whence they came. All the songs seem to vibe from a Jim Morrison aesthetic over heavy riffage and groove thicker than Houston traffic. Songs like “Dead Man Walking” and “Out To Get You” are catchy and hook laden. The songs almost cautionary tales with razor sharp vocals and spot on musicianship.
Worst Music Release:
Coldplay-“Viva La Vida”-More music for the fake deep set to use as soundtracks for movie trailers. And now we’re finding out it isn’t even theirs; a plagiarism suit surrounds one of the tracks for the album. Now they’ll sell even more copies.
Best Film Release:
The Dark Knight- Everyone’s seen it, believe the hype and Heath Ledger is more than the sum of his role, he’s done the seemingly impossible. He’s made us forget Jack Nicholson.
The Worst Film Release
Mama Mia- Just what you wanted to sit through, Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep singing Abba songs. Its only worth going if they offered handguns at the concession stand so that I could shoot myself as soon as the credits started rolling.
Best of Politics:
Barak Obama’s regime replaces the evil Bush administration and promises to fix everything.
The Worst of Politics: See Above. We’re screwed.
Most Annoying Trend:
Obama Worship The guy hasn’t even been sworn in yet and we’re already seeing commemorative plates from the Franklin Mint. Isn’t this the same Franklin Mint that gives us Scarlett O’hara and Judy Garland plates?
All I can say is, thank God none of our President Elect’s people are KISS fans. Otherwise, we could be looking at Obama’s face on everything from toothpaste to coffins. How long before Obama pisses us of as a nation and we see these dishes being smashed faster than cheap plates at a Greek wedding?
Best Trend:
Celebrity Sex Tapes:
I heard that even Charlie Chaplin had a done a homemade porn back when that little moustache was just a moustache and not a coif style for the ladies’ nether regions. To call it scandal then was an understatement. Now, It’s almost a badge of honor or at the very least, a ticket to instant cash.
There are the more prominent ones such as the Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson and Britney Spears. But I love the odd ball and obscure celebs who do these videos and then do the most convincing acting surrounding the release of these supposed secret videos. These are the ones that almost make the cut but somehow don’t manage to make the bucket of cash like the others.
Some of my favorites of the past have been:
Dustin Diamond-TV’s Screech from the teen targeted, Saved By The Bell. He actually released because he was in deep debt and thought he could drum up some cash. He could be the exception to the rule regarding making money with these videos. Dustin needs to just go full on with the porn and do a take off called Saved By The Balls or something like that.
Allison Williams-She was an anchorwoman from a Norfolk news station. She did some nasties in the news van. She most likely works as a greeter at your local wal-mart these days.
Bob Crane- from the classic TV show, Hogan’s Heroes. He was ahead of his time and could have made money had not his infamous videos been released largely posthumously. Then again, maybe we would have liked to see him and Colonel Klink’s secretary.
Jenna Lewis from season whatever of Survivor. She does it in a poorly lit hotel and won’t shut up.
But the video of the year has to go to Verne Troyer. 2’ 8” of pure sexual fury, Verne bangs former model, Genevieve Gallen like a Billy goat trying to climb a steep hill. The layers to this thing are incredible. It’s a train wreck on so many levels. There’s the ick factor of Verne as his slug like tongue probes Genevieve all over. Genevieve’s vacant eyed performance will give you the shudders as she goes through the motions with a passion that is being saved in reserves for when she’s spending Verne’s money.
Then there’s the audio. It’s a cross between a lizard that’s being crushed and hobbits wrestling. Awesome.

Words: Mike Wilshin (Send your amateur porn to: www.myspace.com/old_man_mike or oldmanmike@anemagazine.com I promise to make you famous)

Currently Red Harvest By Bloodsimple see related